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glaxony's picture

I guess it could be worse. Some people have parasites in their head and they don't even know about it. At least I can be proactive and try to get rid of the thing before it lays a bunch of eggs that hatch out, and the top of my head starts bulging with tumors.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, google brain worms. A link to a really gross picture will come up. You'll wish you hadn't seen it and you will want to believe it's a hoax. Everybody would prefer to believe that brain worms are a hoax. Some of the stories told about the brain worm picture are a hoax, but the picture isn't. Parasites in the head are a lot more common than most people realize.

  Listen up!

Rant's picture

Look, we all have something to complain about. We don’t always, however, have someone to listen to us go off. That’s just the way it is—most people don’t care. Not anymore. At Bitchapalooza! you are not alone.

Welcome to the Nirvana of the cantankerous, where you can nurture your inner grump. Here you will find a community of fellow rabble-rousers just itchin’ to bitch about anything from work to politics, and everything in between. So join the bitch fest…it’s spiffy, it’s good, clean fun, and best of all—it’s free!


chicagopoetry's picture

What sucks is when the one hitter is clogged and you're standing there in the bathroom with the fire from your Bic lighter burning your thumb as you try to suck on the metal tube with no success but you try and you try because sometimes it suddenly gives in and a bunch of tar and ash takes off like a bullet to your tonsils giving you a sore throat but this time you just suck and suck until your chest hurts so you take the cotton off the ends of a Q-tip and try to push it through like a lollipop stick but this impacts the resin more and now you have a piece of Q-tip stuck up there too so you search your entire apartment cursing because you're a writer and who has ever heard of a writer without a metal paperclip so you take the ink tube out of your Bic pen and try to stick that up in there but it is simply too large and meanwhile you haven't noticed that during all the desperate searching the wood box has tipped over and your pot is now spilled on the bathroom floor and it is contaminated with dust and mildew and pubic hairs and suddenly you remember that you once had a paperclip a long long time ago at your old apartment so you drag all the cardboard boxes out of the closet and start searching and damn if you don't find it in the Stoli box sealed by duct tape in a plastic zip lock bag with the staples and thumb tacks a nice strong silver paperclip that you unbend so that it becomes a somewhat straight metal wire and clenching your teeth and with some wrist action you manage to push the black sticky goo out of your one hitter and then you notice your shit is spilled all over the place


Kim Brittingham's picture

# # #


Bryan Alaspa's picture

I have been a fan of the show “24” from the very first season. I remember reading about the concept and how it was supposed to be an entire season where each episode was an hour during one particular day. The buzz was great that first season. It was also a first season that opened with an entire plane exploding in mid-air with the terrorist responsible actually escaping out of the plane to do it. That’s quite an impressive way to start.

From that point forward “24” has seldom disappointed. Has it made a few missteps along the way? Sure, all of us who are fans recall with a cringe the whole Elisha Cuthbert versus the cougar phase. Many of us also remember the season that just sort of meandered around while Jack flew into Mexico and dealt with drug dealers and somehow the drug dealers had something to do with a virus or something. It seemed to take forever to get going. However, even that season, once the virus got released in a hotel full of people things started moving. It made me realize that the whole season should have started with the virus being released in the hotel instead of the whole drug dealer thing.


BKTS's picture

Math is important. And so are history, grammar, and chemistry.

But does it disturb anyone else that public education doesn't teach ART anymore? Creative writing? Theatre? Dance? Music? Drawing, sculpting, or painting?

I'm going to make a really dramatic metaphor: Creativity is the tide that refreshes the otherwise stagnant pool of knowledge. Those geniuses that we idolize - Martin Luther King, the NASA scientists who put Neil Armstong on the moon, Albert Einstein and William Shakespeare - None of them would have amounted to anything if they didn't know how to think creatively, approach a problem in a different way, consider more than just what a textbook told them to do.


Karla Keffer's picture

It's my own dumb fault for carrying my wallet in the back pocket of my backpack. It's my even dumber fault for carrying my Social Security card in my wallet. So I can't exactly fault the woman who assumed my identity and used it to open up a bunch of credit cards in my name. Mind you, I don't think it's okay that she did that--stealing is still illegal down among the proles, as well it should be. But the perp is not the sole source of this whole mishegoss. And while it doesn't excuse her crime, I would hazard a guess that the $1K watch she charged on that fraudulent account is going straight to her veins. Why else would she bother? Simply put, the girl needs help.


penniebrittain's picture

So, I'm getting married, and one of my friends is so consumed with envy that she is seriously trying to sabatoge my dress. I took her with me to try it on, and she spent 20 minutes telling me how ugly it was, how fat it made me look, etc. Okay. Whore. I had someone take a Polaroid of me in the dress, and even in horrible light, it's a stunnig dress. That dress could make anyone look amazing. I couldn't figure out why she was being such a bitch, then I realized: her skeasy boyfriend of like 6 years refuses to get married. He says he's "not into the whole marriage scene". Fine, whatever. She chose him, not me. She actually nagged him enough to get her a promise ring, and he came home with a 25 cent machine thing. I can't make him be less useless.


Bryan Alaspa's picture

I have written before about how I am not a parent. I have also written about how people seem to be getting more and more rude. I am starting to see how the two things are starting to correlate. It seems to me that at some point the entire point of being a parent got lost and the whole idea of setting up rules and teaching kids how to behave in public fell by the wayside. In turn, this has created a generation of people who honestly feel they don’t need to consider other people around them and that the entire world revolves around them.

Not long ago both of my parents went to a movie. As they sat a mother and her two children sat directly behind them. The young boy proceeded to then repeatedly kick the back of my mother’s chair. Repeated looks back in an attempt to notify the mother that her son was behaving rudely produced no response. At some point it was just better to move so they moved. My mother, however, informed the mother that she may want to take a moment to teach her son not to kick the backs of people’s chairs. The mother responded like a deer in the headlights and proceeded to let her son keep kicking the back of the chair throughout the rest of the movie.


angrymotherofone's picture

OOOOH!!!! People make me so mad sometimes..or maybe just my ex, kind of still boyfriend. He switched and is changing on me becoming a health nut, and a vegan...which is fine to all of those out there,. But now constantly down my throat about what I eat and how I feed my child...eeeeww. I kill her by giving her milk. Are you kidding me. Hes going to raise his children with a proper diet when he has them. Is it really bad if I give my child apple juice from a juice box...and eggs. Only the organic way...I feel like I am going crazy just ranting about it. Thats fine if people change their eating habits to "better" them selves, but dont bitch about what I put in my throat...Seriously.


Bryan Alaspa's picture

The worst day of the year is rapidly approaching again. I speak, of course, of St. Valentine’s Day. It is, without a doubt, the dumbest holiday with the possible exception of Sweetest Day but since they pretty have the same theme I really sort of count them as the same holiday. Of course Sweetest Day is an even more ridiculous holiday but since it hasn’t really caught on the way Valentine’s Day has I have to sort of put it aside.

The dumbest thing is that no one can really definitively state where the whole holiday came from. It appears as if there were two Saint Valentines, for example. There was the Valentine of Rome who was a priest there in about 269 AD. He had a reputation of being a doctor in addition to being a priest and would often treat people even if they were unable to pay him.


ebulliencechick's picture

I don't really have anything to bitch about right now. I'm drinking pink champagne from the bottle. I'm numb. I bitch in my blogs at MySpace and in my poems. I've published a bunch of novels and collections of poetry at My latest collection of poetry is This Brutal Fucking Life. I don't believe in ratings but I had to give This Brutal Fucking Life, Pussy Lickin' Good and Bat Shit Crazy a mature rating because my shitcaked asshole of an ex-husband reported my "inappropriate content" to lulu. I can't risk having my projects unceremoniously deleted so I gave a "mature" rating to my most "controversial/inappropriate" books.


Bryan Alaspa's picture

I actually have the credentials to be a total cinema snob. I got a piece of paper from Webster University that says I can be. It was mostly an accident that got me this piece of paper. I love movies. I have always loved movies. It comes from my dad who loves movies and used to sit me down and tell me to watch certain movies because he figured I would like them and, most of the time, he was right. This is how I became fans of “Fail-Safe,” and “The Wild Bunch.” I also saw the suite of Man With No Name movies by Sergio Leone that starred a young Clint Eastwood in a poncho and bad dubbing.


ALLY's picture

Rockfest. The most heavily attended concert of the year.

This was Rockfest XI: One Louder.

You would think, after 11 of these all-day events, that they would be better prepared for the crowds.

For 17,000 people, they provided approximately 100 porta-potties.

The gates opened at 1pm and the toilet paper was gone by 2.

I don't know about you, but I like toilet paper.

HEY! ROCKFEST PROMOTERS: You can lick my ass!


Bryan Alaspa's picture

It’s tough to be a radio guy these days. Back in the early days the DJ was pretty much a celebrity because there was nothing else. You couldn’t really take a record player with you when you went running or driving. So the only way to listen to music on the go was through the radio and the DJ was as much a part of the entertainment as the music. That isn’t the case these days.

How do I know? Well, I used to be in radio. I never made it past part-time but, in a way, that was even more depressing than being one of the regulars. There I would be talking in between Foreigner and Led Zeppelin songs and talking like anyone was really listening. Most of the time everyone out in the world just wanted me to shut the hell up and play the commercials and the Led Zeppelin song.


Skyy's picture

I'm a young black woman and this is my first rant. I have just been itching to bring up the subject of race in America. I hate it when black people complain about being treated unfairly in society. I hate it with a passion. They say that the government isn't treating them fairly because of the color of their skin but in reality, it has nothing to do with race. It has to do with class.
Low class people expect so much and give so little. I'm supposed to give up 1/4 of my paycheck on taxes so that they can go out and spend it on things they shouldn't be concerning themselves with? That's not the way it works, baby. I'm a Democrat only because Republicans do tend to be a bit heartless. I try not to be completely selfish but I don't like the idea of helping people who won't (not can't) help themselves. In my opinion, the government is being a little too generous to these individuals. If I had it my way, I'd only put money in public schools and community centers. I would not give money to indivduals only to wonder if they are spending it on the right things. At least when I put money in the public as a whole, I know where it's going.


chicagopoetry's picture

Dear Bitches,

The year has come to a close so without further ado let me share the highlights with you.

This year I don't have any Sears' photos of my girlfriend and me all dressed up and smiling because she ran off with some dorkface from the Millennium Park glass block sculpture one of those pairs of puckered lips that blows water on the kids a pair of puckered lips that didn't have the guts to face me to tower there in the glass blocks glowing and blowing to tell me like a man that he had been banging my babe so if you wait until summer you might see my ex's face scrunched up next to his in Millennium Park both of them blowing water out of their holes onto the kids but you won't see her next to me in any more Sears' photos I can guarantee you that.


glaxony's picture

I made my living giving massages for thirty years, was working in massage parlors long before there was such a thing as massage therapy school and continuing education hours for registered massage therapists were required. I started giving massage back in the days when all you needed to get a massage license was a clean criminal record and a health card.

Those were the days...

Many women working in massage parlors back then were simply turning tricks. Others were really there to give massages, but they also accepted tips for providing added value services. I was straight. Everyone who picked me recieved a good massage. Some of my colleagues thought I was nuts for giving massages. "Why bother?" They asked. "Men are interested in one thing, and one thing only! You're working too hard."


miel's picture

I have been dating my BF on and off for 8 yrs. This past year I decided to commit 100%.
My quick bio.
I got my B.A. 3 yrs ago
Got a marketing job
Went back to school for my M.A.
Own a condo & rent it out.
Live with my wealthy parents because I can and I have a great relationship with them
I should have my happily ever after right, but oh no, no, no, no…
This past winter my BF had a major break down, he went postal on me, and I mean postal; over his daughter. His baby’s mother moved to a different state. Through it all I stayed by his side, regretfully.
6 months later he has stopped cutting himself. But he has taken other pleasures to piss me off.


Bryan Alaspa's picture

I have friends who are, at best, agnostic when it comes to things like God and religion. Some believe that religion is a kind of weakness. Some believe that having faith in something that cannot be seen or proven is just a way of believing in fairy tales and whistling past the graveyard. They want to look down upon those of us who believe in something beyond this world as silly and antiquated and somehow unenlightened.

Let me first state that I do count myself among those unenlightened. If there were to be a name applied to me it would be that of Christian. While I have written before of my problems of people who become blind Christians and my problems with organized religion the fact is that I do believe in God and Jesus Christ and all of that. While some of the more fanciful parts of the Bible I feel should be taken as allegory and symbolism I do believe the general heart of what Christianity teaches. What people forget is that the general theme and heart of the part of the Bible known as The New Testament is that God is love and that you need to have faith.


harrs's picture

In responce to webpage i was told I could no longer do arobic exercise as it aggrevates the dercums. This how I found out i had it and was in shock however once given diagnosis not had any follow up or advice since!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Bryan Alaspa's picture

Back in the early 80s a movie came out that predicted machines would eventually gain more and more control over the world until they reached the point where they ran the weapons of the United States and launch a missile strike on the Soviet Union. Eventually the machines took over and Arnold Schwarzenegger showed up and became Governor of California. At least, I think that’s how the movie went. Anyway, the forward-thinking director of this film was Jams Cameron. Here in 2007 I can now say that Mr. Cameron may have been right but that the machines may not need anything as dramatic as nuclear weapons.


Bryan Alaspa's picture

In all of the history of the world mankind has developed some truly fantastic inventions. Of course many people will talk about the wheel. Others will talk about the internal combustion engine. Arguments can be made that the telephone was an invention that truly changed the world or perhaps the Marconi Wireless which lead to radio. Of course radio lead to television and that is certainly an invention that has greatly changed the world. Finally, of course the computer has probably revolutionized the world more than anything else and the computer led to the invention of the Internet although we may have Al Gore to thank for that.


Bryan Alaspa's picture

I don’t know when this might have been but I have to think there was a time when interviewing for a job was a simple affair. Perhaps, much like when people think of the 1950s, there never really was a time when it was simple but I prefer to think there was. I like to think there was a time when you saw an ad in the paper or perhaps a Help Wanted sign at a place, walked in, filled out an application, talked to someone and walked out with a job offer. These days that just doesn’t happen.

Part of the problem has to be that people are crazy, of course. Too many people are walking around trying to get into offices so they can eventually go crazy and do harmful things to as many co-workers as possible. I personally know several people who apparently either doze through or choose to ignore the sexual harassment seminars that everyone at every office has to sit through at least once a year. There are those who have rather grim criminal records and you don’t want to give them jobs doing important things. You do not want the convicted child molester working as a school crossing guard, for example.


sandi1262's picture

I have just gotten back from a rheumatologist and as all other doctors, he has never heard of dercums desease, niether did I until recently.So now I'm back to square one, I do not know w2hat is wrong with me. I have lumps under my skin,(the Rheum. said about muscle level(deeper than just under the skin)aand pain in my back through my butt and down my leg. I have lots of the symptoms descibed in Dercums Desease. Doc is now sending me to a Dermatologist the an orthapedic for a biopsy,( I've had 3 foot surgery's and 2 (1 fusion) back surgery's. Does anyone know how to cut through all this crap to see what is wrong with me? I live an hour from Boston and wondered if I should go there but I'm not sure what kind of Dr. I should see. Would someone with any success please e-mail me? So far no one knows what's wrong with me. Test for carpel Tunnel came up good,had a dicography for my back due to pain came back normal.Some blood test came back normal, a couple more blood test taken today. Would someone please help me with any kind of positive information that may be of help to me.

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