Friends | Bitchapalooza!

Friends

So, I'm getting married, and one of my friends is so consumed with envy that she is seriously trying to sabatoge my dress. I took her with me to try it on, and she spent 20 minutes telling me how ugly it was, how fat it made me look, etc. Okay. Whore. I had someone take a Polaroid of me in the dress, and even in horrible light, it's a stunnig dress. That dress could make anyone look amazing. I couldn't figure out why she was being such a bitch, then I realized: her skeasy boyfriend of like 6 years refuses to get married. He says he's "not into the whole marriage scene". Fine, whatever. She chose him, not me. She actually nagged him enough to get her a promise ring, and he came home with a 25 cent machine thing. I can't make him be less useless.

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MOONLIGHTING WITH NINA

Submitted by chicagopoetry in Friends

I really needed a drink.

The problem with Roscoe Village is that all the liquor stores close early. If I want a drink after eleven I have to go to one of the yuppie bars. Why would I want to pay five bucks plus tip for a pint when I can get a six-pack of Schlitz for three and a quarter? Why would I want to sit in a row listening to a bunch of stupid fucking hogs yackyackyacking on their cell phones anyway? How come only the poor neighborhoods have liquor stores that stay open until two in the morning? I thought about writing a letter to Daley.

Yeah, I really needed a drink.

You see, I spent the entire day watching mama.com go up seventy percent in value. Whoopee! Unfortunately, I had my money tied up in a real dog of a penny stock and I couldn't sell off due to some stupid rule called free riding. In a nutshell, I was as fucked as a cow in heat at el encierro de la Fiesta de San Fermin. I was sitting on the edge of the tub trimming my pubes with a buzzing black razor when Sirus finally spoke. Sirus had been hiding under the sink in the bathroom cabinet for several weeks and before this he hadn't uttered so much as a squeak.

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TODD NEEDS A SPANKING

Submitted by chicagopoetry in Friends

I'm hunched here in my bathrobe at my desk in front of a screen of streaming quotes, holding this poetry book in my hands. I keep attempting to plunge right in, turning to some random page to read it, but I can't get inspired about it. The television is beautiful; it is paused on a scene from Capcom's Okami. Maybe I should continue where I left off. Or maybe I should turn off the Playstation and turn it back on again, reload it at a previous save point, when I had a bunch of yen and my life-force wasn't deleted. Ah, the tough decisions one has to make in life. There is a bowl on the floor next to my left foot, and ramen noodle residue is clinging to its sides like a sad face and a question mark. I know when I get up I'll step on it, making the big silver spoon fly, but I don't bother to pick it up. I bought these dark blue slippers at Target but they don't have any backsides to them, so I am spreading my toes to keep them on my feet.

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An Ode to a Friend (Part III): My Oldest Friend

Submitted by Bryan Alaspa in Friends

I guess I am doing a series of these and dedicate them to my friends. I am not entirely sure how interesting this is to the general population who reads these things, but I like talking about the things going on in my life. I have a relatively small group of very close friends. These people are so close they are like family and not just friends. One in particular is a guy I have known a long time. While other friends and people I have known have drifted out of touch this one guy has been there for me time and again and has been doing so since I was in high school. That’s my friend Tim.

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Back-stabbers

Submitted by chicagopoetry in Friends

I'm sick and tired of people acting like they are my friends and then they stab me in the back. Last year I spent an entire day helping someone named Shelly move her furniture from her Oak Park apartment to her new home, and she promised to take me out to dinner for it. Instead, she took my soon-to-be ex-girlfriend out and said nasty shit about me and then she spread all sorts of rumors about me and tried to turn people against me, simply because I didn't agree with her philosophy about Massachusetts's most wanted fugitive. When I finally couldn't take any more of her meanness, and wrote an article about the way she was behaving, she acted like I was a bully and she was a victim. Then her macho boyfriend took advantage of my mailing list to inform the community about his project, and then he turned around and used his project to spread a slanderous poem about me.